What to do when work tries to make you do something you really don’t want to & gives you extreme anxiety:
Flat out ignore that shit, and ignore any idea of repercussion.
aka: I’m supposed to work an alumni catering event Friday and Saturday.
no.
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooo.
not goin’. no way, no how.
weird day. slept in, woke up, felt awesome, then as the day went on, worse and worse. went to the farm to see dan, bethany and rebecca, which was great! but then left for car shopping and started to feel nauseous, headachey and generally awful. came home, fell asleep after bailing on going back to the farm.
woke up without a headache, but feeling panicky and anxious. called mike. feeling a bit better.
in a weird place. don’t know if i feel like being around my friends, or being completely solitary.
Went in, they basically couldn’t do anything but suggest I go to a ENT (Ear, nose, throat) specialist. Well thanks for taking my $30 for the suggestion. Ugh.
So, I’ll be calling them early Monday morning to make an appointment.
I googled general protocol for chronic laryngitis patients. They take a thin tube with a camera on the end, shove it down your throat, and lurk around for a little to see if there’s nodules/polyps chillin’ on your vocal cords or larynx. Didn’t read too much into treatment for that… but surgery was one of the treatment options. Urgh.
I’ve never had surgery. Fucking petrified. For reals.
At least I have my interview for the cafe to look forward to, Monday at 11.
feeling more and more broken as the days go on.
wishing therapy wasn’t so expensive, I’d probably go, then.
Having a hard time feeling any sort of emotion, the only thing that feels right anymore is getting further and further away from people. It’s getting difficult to communicate, and if people try to, I just get upset really quickly and start freaking out and seek solace.
I’m pretty sure I have DP (depersonalization disorder) or just GAD (general anxiety disorder) and I’m relapsing back into it. Like I have been, for years.
The nightmares have been getting progressively worse. Had one last night that involved rape. It seems that any emotion that was taken out in everyday-life, is displaced into my dream-me, because I wake up feeling so much terror or rage that I literally feel sick to my stomach. A few nights ago, I dreamt up a fight with my brother that was so bad that when I woke up I was crying, felt like I was going to throw up and could not shake my completely imaginary rage with him until about 10 minutes after waking.
For the past year or two I’ve had really bad anxiety of fulfilling my mother’s wish of having kids, so she can have grandchildren; but on the flip-side… REALLY DON’T EVER WANT KIDS. Little gremlins. No thank you.
I had a nightmare last night that I unexpectedly became pregnant and was getting an abortion, and my mother, the entire time, flipping out. mreh.
i want a boyfriend.
but i don’t really know how to go about doing that.
i want a sidekick, damnit! but i don’t want to feel owned or like i own someone else, even partially.
and someone to go on adventures with, and impromptu camping trips, and staying up late and watching movies, all that corny garbage.
but it would be awkward.
soooo fuckalldatshit.
