my mom: “a lot of people gettin’ busy in september!” haha.
yesterday was stephanie’s birthday (AND father’s day!), today is my brother’s birthday (21st and doesn’t want a drink - I don’t think we’re related, jeez), yesterday/today(?) WOULD have been my grandfather’s birthday, and I’ve heard from a bunch of other people that they had birthday stuff to attend this weekend. oy.
also, tumblr tells me it’s my third birthday, today.
i turn 24 this august. fun fun. almost a quarter-century old.
making her some LEGIT vegan cupcakes! I came up with a slammin’ recipe, and I’m real excited!
Arugula salad w/ white truffle oil + mango balsamic & fresh figs & goat cheese.
seriously. make that shit.
and don’t skimp out on the arugula. it’s gotta be arugula, not spinach or some shit.
so I think I’m just going to go to my GP and tell him all this stuff I’ve been dealing with for at least 2 years now.
and then he’s gonna be like “why didn’t you tell me sooner” and then I’ll say the usual “because I don’t like to treat my problems with medication” and then he’ll say “well if you’ve had the problem for this long, you should have come in” and then I’ll say “I’m here now, though” and then he’ll say “no, but sooner,” and then I’ll say “I don’t like to rely on pharmaceuticals to fix myself, though, I can do it myself” and then we’ll just give up on that tiff and continue on with the appointment and at the end he’ll try to convince me to take some meds, and I’ll take em for a little but then I’ll wean myself off in hopes that I’ve “trained” my brain to act differently.
I really don’t like the medical system.
I thought about going to a psychologist but 1 - I’m very good at self-analysis and don’t think that they’ll tell me anything I haven’t though of myself, already. and 2 - that shit is outrageously expensive.
It figures that drugs are cheaper than just being able to talk to someone.
Prozac Nation, we are.
So, the photoggingness yesterday was pretty monotonous.
It makes me really mad to say that, because I’m an avid believer that with good photographic skills, you can make the most boring, and monotonous things, interesting.
That being said, it was an anxiety-trap.
I could barely exercise my creativity because I was so anxious the whole time that I couldn’t take what I consider to be good photographs.
I went out to Tally-Ho afterwards last night, with Nikki and Mike, which was good. I had two Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPAs… way too quickly, which drained away any anxiety I had, and was actually able to sleep when I got home.
BUT ALAS. Nightmares. It was actually a repeater. It’s sad that I have repeater-nightmares, hah.. but whatcanyoudo. Details are iffy but for the most part some sort of invisible monster type thing was chasing everyone. The whole world was in a state of apocalypse (which is ironic, because my nightmares are only half that - they’re scary while I’m in them, but I like thinking about those types afterwards, because I’m borderline-obsessed over anything apocalyptic - in an oddly romanticized way, nearly. It makes no sense to me, but it is what it is). So anyways, this monstrous entity was going after everyone and killing them, but you couldn’t really see it.. but you knew when it was there? It sounds really silly now that I’m thinking about it, but it was downright terrifying. It also was able to alter reality, and make your friends LOOK as if they were trying to harm you, when they weren’t. Or even make them look like different people altogether. It was ultimately shifting reality. I guess that’s when you knew when it was around, when reality started to shift. So not only were you fighting for your life, but you were solving puzzles and trying to figure out how to get away from your friends that didn’t appear like your friends and were trying to kill you, but without killing them, and figuring out how to get them back to normal.
Someone that is into dream analysis would have a field day with this crap.
i wanted something fruity and soda-like with lunch today, so snatched a long-forgotten red-colored smirnoff ice out of the fridge (for the record, I didn’t buy it).
it was vile and tasted of artificial sweetener, more artificial sweetener, narsty, and a tinge of rubbing alcohol. and more sweetener.
Oh god oh God oh god I just had the most sickening of nightmares. Truly fucking disturbing.
There was a warehouse set up in Africa and scientists were taking Africans from their families and dissecting the bodies alive just to see how the bodies were constructed - that’s what I was told, though we obviously know how human bodies are constructed. These bodies were cadaver-like. In the state they were in, they should have been dead. But they fucking weren’t. I’m talking torsos without legs, etc. Oh, they were also just torturing them to see how much they could endure pain? One stands out in particular where it’s just a torso and a head, it’s very yellowed, and the inside of the body from the bottom of the torso up looks like. .. goopy fat. The “scientist” then takes this rod and thrusts it up through the bare torso repeatedly. This body is somehow alive. There are tables of needles at every “station” where it looks like just body parts but actually contains a living human. I think the needles/drugs keep them alive. I realize that’s not possible, but such is the dream world.
I’m gonna go and try to read some of my book and try not to go back to sleep. I thought my nightmares were over. Here goes a couple months of hell.
What to do when work tries to make you do something you really don’t want to & gives you extreme anxiety:
Flat out ignore that shit, and ignore any idea of repercussion.
aka: I’m supposed to work an alumni catering event Friday and Saturday.
not goin’. no way, no how.
because the thought of working in a cafe for the rest of my life makes me think suicidally.
I need to complete 6/7 of the following to get my associates;
Computer Science 1
I’m gonna hate my life. But it’s gonna be so worth it.
pinpointing the moment I got so lost.
today my brain has been flooded with anxiety for gawd knows what reason.
fuck today. i’ma sleep till it goes away.
I am that type of douchebag friend who doesn’t talk with you for weeks but still cares about you and hopes you still care too.